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My Postpartum Depression Story, postpartum, depression and postpartum
Posted by evan on October 11, 2008This Is My Postpartum Depression Story, postpartum, depression and postpartum
I was so excited to find out I was pregnant. My husband and I had wanted to start trying earlier in our marriage but weren’t able to for various reasons. So when we were able to try and got pregnant quickly, we were very excited. We couldn’t hardly wait to start telling people. My pregnancy was a relatively easy pregnancy. I had no complications or problems. I was concerned however from the beginning that I was going to have a big baby. This concern became reality when at 37 ½ weeks I had an ultrasound and they said he was going to be about 8 ½ lbs. to 9 lbs. in a week. My doctor decided to induce me. At first, I was excited about that because it meant I was going to have my son. Then I began to get freaked out that I was going to have to have a C-section. This was probably my biggest fear at the time. I had never even had a stitch so I was very scared of having a surgery. My labor started fine. I was dilating. I was having contractions. Then they broke my water and I got an epidural. My labor stopped progressing. My son’s heart beat started to drop. My doctor decided to do a C-section so that it wouldn’t have to be an emergency C-section.
I cried. I believe that is when my “baby blues” or depression started. When they showed me my son, I thought “it’s a baby. Not mine, but a baby.” My husband said things about our son’s cry being the best sound and I thought he was crazy. It was just a baby crying to me. I played off though like I agreed with him. These were the thoughts I had the whole time in the hospital. I started resenting my son in the hospital too. I kept thinking “You are the reason I had to have surgery.” “You are the reason I will not have the same body I had before.” When we were getting ready to leave the hospital, I was scared. I wasn’t sure I could do the whole mom thing. Or at least not do it well. I wondered what I had got myself into. Of course I didn’t tell anyone my feelings because I thought I was silly for thinking them and I thought that people would wonder what kind of mother I was if I had those thoughts. I hated that I felt this way but I was scared to death to tell anyone.
When we got home, I would just sit there and let my son cry for awhile because I didn’t care that he was crying. I would eventually get up and do whatever he needed but it took me awhile. I stopped eating really. I would eat a little bit but not very much. My husband would tell me I needed to eat so that I would be able to nurse but I had no appetite. I was angry at everyone including my dog for being able to sleep when I couldn’t because I had to nurse him. I thought women were crazy for saying nursing was a bonding experience. I didn’t feel that way at all. I couldn’t see him, kiss him, or anything. I would cry for no reason when no one was around.
Finally, one night my husband asked me if I was okay. I broke down and told him how I was feeling. It was amazing how much better I felt immediately. Shortly after that, I stopped breastfeeding. For me, that was a God send. I was so much happier. It took away so much stress and sleep deprivation. I then started to bond with my son. He was about 2 -3 weeks old at the time. I missed those first few weeks of bonding with him because of this illness.
This is my story of postpartum. Fortunately I was able to recover without any meds. Please get help if you suffer from it.